. bewitched.88 .

Catch myself from despair,
I could drown if I stay here.
Keeping busy everyday,
I know I will be okay.

Of course I`ll be okay. I`m the kinda gurl whom you can put thru so many obstacles and yet come out alive. Life has been pretty much a rollercoaster ride. Or rather, work. I feel sore most of the time, but some things make me smile. Bad things always have a way of finding me. It`s sickening. Was I fated to face assholes all my life? I`m not complaining. Fine, I am. But at least I don`t run away. I deal with the shits.

Wad should I wear tomorrow? We should have uniforms.

Each day, on my journey to work, I think about wad kinda shit dat might crop up so at least I`m prepared. At my desk, I think of 1800hr and my trip to BKK. How much should I bring? Which mall should I hit first? Should I get more shoes or STOP cos I`m crazy enough. Where should I get halal food? Where will be my next holiday destination? On my way home from work, I think about the nice things which happen at work. Usually, nothing. So I think about the positive side of the ugly things dat I`m facing at the moment. Then when I`m done, I think about my family. Closer to my destination, I think about whether I should get food or not. If I`m listening to songs, I think bout the singer (of the song currently playing). U-Kiss, amazing. Dongho is adorably hot. How can anyone look so good? Red hair, ear piercings, perfect height and built. But really, he should be studying. It`s pointless to look good when your head is empty. He`s still a kid! Wad am I? A pedophile? Backstreet Boys. Hurray, can`t wait for the concert on 28th! Wad else? Nothing, I`ve reached home. Oh, a check in my mailbox to see if my parcel is here. Fuck, 2 weeks plus and it`s still not here.

I`m tired. Gotta be off.

Good night!
May tomorrow be a better day for you and me!

Ria.

Something is WRONG with my head today.
I guess dat`s why I kept smiling to myself at work.

This is not okay.
I know I`m not like this.

Ria.

Another friend lying at the hospital bed. I`ve ran out of words. There`s so many things going thru my head. Is he okay? How did it happen? How is he? Where is he? Will he be okay? Will he live? I remember his Mom. So gentle, so kind. His Dad, so giving. It pains me knowing another friend is hurt. It pains me not knowing wad`s gonna happen next. It pains me knowing his parents will only blame themselves for the tragedy dat has happened. And it pains me knowing I could`ve ended up dat way too.

I wish Dad hadn`t told me this. But Dad never wanted me to stop. And now it`s like I`m so torn up; not knowing if I should stop, or continue. I`ve escaped twice. Will there be a third?

Didn`t they say… Don`t ride faster than your guardian angels can fly.

I`ll pray for the best. You`ll be okay………. right?

Ria.

Hello Nick, Brian, Howie, AJ.
Hello Bangkok.

Byebye Ka-chings.

I kinda have a secret.
I kinda………… never mind. (:

Ria.

I wanna live like this forever.

It`s so amazing how the little gurls can make all my lethargy, anger and heartache disappear. People say I`m boring, but I think I`m thankful. Each day after a long day at work, the only thing I look forward to is home. I miss Mom, Dad, Grandparents, and the kids. I never had the thought of leaving my family and migrating elsewhere tho` I have always wondered how it feels like being in a foreign land. I need to be close to home. I might not be close to some of my family members but being far away from them, pains me. It`s like… I need to know they`re constantly safe and should anything happen, I want to be there. I guess it all started after my great-grandma left this world while I was at school and I never got the chance to see her again. And wad hurts the most was dat her last wish, was me.

Went home just now and the kid was reciting her IQRA. Fed her my dinner, so I`m left with her leftovers. I didn`t mind. People close to me knows, I hate sharing my food. But you know you`re something when I`d give my portion to you. I know I sound like a Mother but I`ve been taking care of the little gurls since 9 years ago. I watch them grow, I change their diapers, clean their poo, put them to bed, send them to school, fetch them, teach them. They are, to me, like my own sisters or maybe even kids. And all I want is the very best for them. And now a baby boy has popped out. I prefer gurls but this boy is so adorable. Is it just me or baby boys are really cheeky? Oh, yesterday, the little devil cut her toe while on the bicycle and at dat very moment while she was wailing, I wish it was me instead.

God, I don`t need a laptop. Nor a cupboard full of clothes and shoes. I`d be happy just to have the kids and watching Disney Channel with them every single day.

Ria.

You`re starting to get really annoying.

If you`re not bothered, they say you`re playing hard to get.
If you respond, they call you cheap.

Either way, you`d still get called bitch.

Call me wadever. I don`t really care how people think of me.
Just don`t think so highly of yourself.
Afterall, if at the first glance I don`t find you interesting, I never will.

Ria.

All of us, in life, are dealt with our own set of problems and it`s up to you to decide if you wanna overcome your problem or have your problem, overcome you. Stop being selfish for once and understand dat like you, life isn`t all dat easy for us either. But the only difference between others and you is dat…. You let your problem pull you back while we let our problems push us beyond our limits. So quit it; Get up on your feet and stop making tired excuses.

And just because your love wasn`t reciprocated, dat doesn`t give you any rights to say dat all I`ve got is my foolish pride. My pride is mine to keep and it not foolish. Just because I build a wall around my life and you can`t break it down, don`t come telling me I`m being cold to you. You are not worth my time and I don`t care how long you`ve been feeling this way. You overheard a bunch of assholes calling me a bitch . You said it`s cos they don`t get me. Don`t dat make you an asshole as well? If you think I`m being stupid for not feeling anything for you, please. Wake up your fucking idea.

Doctor wanted to issue an MC but I`m gonna head to work still. Not appendicitis, not food poisoning, hopefully. Doctor asked to skip prawn noodle tomorrow to see how my tummy will be. Then eat again on Thursday. I think he wants me to die.

Booking Bangkok trip soon! Anyone wanna come along? You must not be a pussy k. No pussies allowed. Must be brave and not afraid of the dark.

Tummy`s hurting again. I`m sure it`ll be gone tomorrow.

Ria.

4D3N. 5D4N. 6D5N.

I freaking hate planning cos I`m so indecisive!
Till then, absolutely NO shopping.

Ria.

I don`t usually watch Vasantham channel cos I find the emotions and actions a little too exaggerating at times. But just now, I did. The show was about a rickshaw puller who work so hard even when his age is taking over just to send a poor family`s daughter to school. He had nothing, yet he slog all his life and gave everything he could to a family he didn`t know of. A family he could just choose to ignore and leave starving. Even when she turned her back against him, he pushed on.

At the end of the show, I cried. It moved me so much I couldn`t help giving in to my emotions. The show, although can get a little stupid at times (you know, unnecessary singings and stuffs), was amazing. To be able to portray such character in a person and leave the audience feeling the way I did, I was glad I sat thru the three hours watching it. The guy acted so well dat when he was in pain, I felt like I too, was in pain. It hit me so hard. How someone could actually do so much for me yet I refuse to see the sacrifices. How someone could love another so unselfishly and give every single thing he can even if dat means having to give up his own needs and wants. I could never do dat. And I feel so ashamed of myself, for letting my pride, my wants, my needs, my everything… get in the way.

I need to grow up. I need to learn to start giving instead of taking. And I need to learn to give without expecting anything in return.

I feel so ashamed of myself. So flawed.

Ria.

This is a rejection and this is, for my very own good.
I know your feelings matter, but mine comes first.

Ria.